dealing

friday night i got a call from my dad that my grandma was in the hospital. something happened and she ended up unconscious. they're still not quite sure what it was, but they ended up doing exploratory surgery and found lots of dead tissue, but no answer why. after a second try, they've gotten her off the breathing machine and she's alert and even sitting up in bed.
but friday night it sounded pretty bad and they weren't sure if she would come through it ok. barbara was with me, so we prayed about it and i decided to get away on saturday. saturday morning ulf said he would be going out to take pictures, so i got a ride up to thomashof and we walked through the woods and took pictures. i just needed the time to get away and clear my mind. later i got to sit in the church and play guitar and sing. it cleared my mind a bit and calmed me.
now all those questions from before about what will happen with grandma and grandpa are being answered quickly. mom is in PA now to help with moving and visiting in the hospital and dad is staying up as long as he can to give support. i have that feeling that alot of going on and i wish i could help or just be present with all the changes taking place.
distance is a wierd thing. it hurts more to be so far away and not be able to help, but it also gives a buffer so that i don't have the direct emotional contact with what's going on. so i swing between being too emotional in wishing that i could be there -and- with feeling too removed and not worrying/praying enough about what's going on there.